As most of you have seen from my previous posts, I have been on a wonderful, powerful, life changing adventure the past few months. It has been all too good and I don't have the words to express at times the joy, gratitude, and just complete awe I have been filled with from the Lord for the things He is doing. I have been blown away every step of the way and just when I think He really can't top that, HE DOES! I mean can I just say He is GOOD?!?!?!? I mean, all of that have known me over the past few years and have seen the affects of the divorce on me know that this radical change is from the Lord... I mean I feel it in myself, night and day difference.
After Aaron left, I was devastated. I truly believed that no one would ever love me ever again. I was a failure, doomed to be alone... No hope, no future. I just kept holding on though. I kept fighting and reaching for Him. I have no idea how I was able to other than by the Lord's strength, grace, and mercy that He has literally poured and saturated me with through out that time. It was hard. It hurt and I mean gut wrenching pain that leaves you feeling like you are just nothing. Divorce is an ugly, ugly thing that I don't wish upon anyone. God made marriage to last, I will say even today, if Aaron were to turn and repent that I would honor my vows that I made before the Lord, because I believe that He can restore anything. I know that me being able to say that and truly mean it is also grace from the Lord, because I have really struggled with bitterness, resentment, and judgement against him. I thank God that He opened my eyes to the reality of all of this. I thank God that He showed me that it wasn't about me. Aaron left because of himself. It was a choice he made. I am not saying that I don't take responsibility for things I did that were hurtful in the relationship, but I do know that God's heart is for restoration, healing, reconciliation, and ultimately to stay married and enter into the beautiful relationship that He has for us.
Anyways, :) that is enough of that :) It's a beautiful thing that the Lord is doing in my heart towards that whole situation, but it doesn't stop there!!! He is going to be restoring the happy memories of my childhood. I have no recollection of anything good happening in my childhood whatsoever. I have been plagued by negative thinking towards my family members for years. I hate how I react towards them, yet I still do it every time. The Lord spoke to me the other night telling me that He wants to change the way I see myself through my childhood. Now, what that means is that He is going to bring me back joyful, happy memories! He's going to show me the good things about my family! The places where I was protected, nurtured, and cared for. Again, I have no recollection of any of these kind of memories. Sometimes I will get the tiniest little flash of something that seems like it could be happy, but then it is immediately blocked out of my mind from another traumatic memory. These memories have literally been stolen from and because they have been, how I view myself and my family have been completely distorted. I praise God that He is restoring this aspect of my life! I thank Him for already doing it! He has paved the pathway for me! Hallelujah! This is what I get to walk in from now on, COMPLETE FREEDOM HERE ON EARTH! And not just freedom, BUT JOY, PEACE, LOVE, PATIENCE, MEEKNESS, GENTLENESS, AND LONG SUFFERING! All the fruits of the spirit!
I just say amen and amen again and again. It is by His stripes that we are healed! I can fully understand that verse now, it's not just a saying where I go "yeah, yeah I know, I know", but it is now a literal, "YES!!! HALLELUJAH!" It's not just some high and lofty ideal or thought, but I am literally healed because Jesus took the judgement for me. By taking that judgement for me, I am able to really approach God and He is able to do the work in my heart that needs to be done by judging the dark THINGS in my life, NOT ME. You see, that's what happens when you accept Christ: God judges the things in our hearts and removes them. He causes them to die in us! But when we don't accept Jesus's death on the cross for our payment of sin, then we have to pay. Someone has to pay price for the wrongs done in this world. Either Christ already did on the cross OR ..... It's scary to think about, but God is showing me how real this is. It breaks my heart to think about those that haven't accepted Christs payment for themselves. Jesus won't be on your side. And the very people who you hurt, wronged, lied to, stolen from, etc... their voices will rise up against you and you will have no one to intervene when God approaches you for atonement.
Hmmm... interesting that this blog turned into a uh... teaching on God's judgement... Can you tell what I have been thinking about? It's been something that has really been on my heart since the OneThing conference. God does love us all. He doesn't want any of us to perish, but He also hates when we are hurt, killed, beaten, etc... He hates it so much, that He won't stand for it in His kingdom, at all. That's why He judges us. That's why we need the only one who was tempted in every way that we are AND prevailed to intercede for us. "For we do not have a High Priest that isn't acquainted with our sufferings....." the book of Hebrews says. And the best thing about Him is that HE LOVES US! And because of His love He died for us. He took the wrath of God upon Himself to save us from that judgement.
Now, I will say that it does take some work. Yes it definitely does. God does a lot of work for us, but like I said previously about myself: I had to hold on. I had to fight with what little I had in myself and trust that God would do the rest. I had to make the choices to follow after Him. I had to lay down my own desires at times. I had to suffer sometimes... Was it worth it? YES! Would I do it again? YES! In a heart beat. I thought that life could never be this good, but again, I did have to put my effort into it. I had to say no to a lot of things and just plain walk away from it. Sometimes that included friends. I can also say that God restores friendships. Not only that, but He can also give you relationships with new people that are even better for you! That has been happening with me! God has given me such wonderful friends.... so wonderful that calling them friends just isn't enough... They are my family. I have tried and tried to have friends like this my whole life, and it wasn't until I surrendered it to the Lord that I started to see this hope fulfilled.
I know this post is really ALL OVER THE PLACE, but I don't do editing on this thing, except for typos. This is me, my thoughts, my life.... Real, honest, and uncut. That's how God created me: what you see is what you get. I don't hide, never have and never will. I thank God that He made me unique, wonderful, beautiful, and creative! He made me just right! Just as He made you!!! HA! Now, one more thing: Go to the mirror and make the biggest smile you ever made and speak this truth over yourself, "The God of the universe loved me so much, that He took His time with me. He knit me together. He made me just right. In His eyes I am perfect, beautiful, wonderful, and NO ONE CAN EVER CHANGE THAT!" HA!
LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!
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