Wait... I am supposed be dependent?

Anyone who knows me knows I tend to be very independent. I do what I want. If I need something, I pray about and then do something to "make" it happen. That's how you serve the Lord right? He helps those who helps themselves, right? Well, yes and no. For someone like me, who is driven by not relying on anyone, because let's face it, humans are UNRELIABLE, it's not healthy... You see, my independence was learned through pain, betrayal, abuse, and neglect. It was a coping mechanism that God had given me to protect myself until I was ready to face the ugliness of what happened in my life.

God has been showing me that the root of my independence actually lies in not feeling safe with people, at all. I trust people as long as they show me trust worthy behaviors, which is really hard to do because I am constantly analyzing and scrutinizing every little thing. While I can trust you at certain times, no one has been able to ever fully gain my trust. I don't say that to hurt anyone that loves and cares about me, but it's the truth. I have only ever let people in so far.

So, in this season, God is showing me how my independence and fear of man has really kept me alone, often destroying close relationships that I long for, but never seem to achieve or maintain. I have been afraid that people don't really like me. They don't really care about me. However, that isn't always the truth. Some people do care, probably more than I know, I just don't take the chance. I tried to before... I really did, but often something would happen and bam! Trust broken, see ya later. Sometimes it's: "you can't handle hearing this, so I'll just go hide again. Sorry my life was too hard for you to hear about". Do you know how many broken people out there just need someone to listen to them? Just to know that once in their life someone heard them? I know many people who have felt this way and because of the healing God is doing in my life, I will be able to bring them that same healing. Not only that, but the TRUTH of what God has to say to them about all the hurt, anger, and pain they went through. 

Now, in my life I learned real quick that people weren't safe. I learned that I had to protect myself. My childhood and teen years continually proved that point. Were there people in my life who tried to help? Yes, I am sure of that. Did they know what to do? Not really. No one knows what to do in those situations. That's the problem. When faced with other people's pain and griefs, we often respond to them how Job's friends responded to him during his grief. Sometimes I see the very same thing and I, who should be able to empathize with the situation, don't know what to do.

For me, I put up walls that no one could scale, breakthrough, or tear down. I screamed on the other side for people to try though. I know people heard those screams. I know they saw them, but try as they might... I couldn't let them in. While those walls protected me and kept me safe all these years, I also never had many close relationships. I would for a short time, but then I'd move along again. It was like I was challenging someone to be strong enough to pull me out. I know now that God was letting me keep them up until I was finally ready to let Him bring them down for me. No one could be there for me because I wasn't ready. I couldn't be dependent on people until I could depend on the one who made me. 

Now, I can stand here and say that God truly is taking down those walls. Even though I don't have many people here I know well, He is showing me that I am safe with them because He is with me. I am safe because of him. This is a safe place. I can go deeper into him because He is safe.The walls kept Him out. I knew that, but I didn't know how to let them down. I didn't know if I could fully let him in. I didn't know if I could REALLY trust him... Could I really depend on God? I know He's trustworthy, I have experienced it time and time again, BUT was that just me making things happen? What if I left everything and took a chance, would he provide? "Can I trust you?" was my constant question. The funny thing was the whole time I was asking him that, he was asking me "Do you trust me?". All I could say was "YES! I WANT TO" 

I know God as called me to bring truth and healing to people. I would say nations, but really it's His hurting children that haven't heard the truth about him or themselves. This is my dream. This is what I am running and chasing towards. Do I have to die to myself and all the rights I have to continue life as I have? Yes.

We area all made to be dependent. Often times our hearts say, "well not fully... that's just not a safe thing to do. I mean someone's gotta provide. Someone's gotta protect my kids. Someone has to.... " In our  hearts we don't fully believe we are safe and that we can really trust God to take care of us. These lies stop us from understanding the truth we know! It's time that we take a risk. Chase the dreams God has given us! LOVE WILDLY!

 I am excited to say that  I took this chance to go on this adventure with him and that He is restoring my heart. It hurts. It's not easy, but slowly and surely I am finding myself being able to depend on him and those around me. Slowly but surely I am coming out of my shell. Slowly but surely I am trading in my independence for a resting spot beneath his mighty arms.

So, the answer to the question, am I supposed to be dependent, is *sigh* yes. I can finally rest knowing that I am safe in His arms. Whether in animosity, trials, tribulations, strife, blessing, peace, prosperity, poverty, or abundance I know my God provides and protects me. AMEN. 

(I know this is definitely putting myself out there, but I have always been one to believe that if this is something I am going through, then there are other people who are too. So, if I can touch one persons heart with the journey I have been on, then it blesses my heart)

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!