The hard point.....

So if I haven't stated this yet, most of you know anyways, I am (close to being final with the judge) divorced. I have had a lot of healing from the hurt and pain that was caused by his leaving me, but I never realized that it was more than just that. You see, when I got married I became a part of another family, his family. I had little sisters and grandparents. They were all pretty close, unlike my extended family. I enjoyed that, but when the divorce/separation started, things became messy... I felt I had to withdraw completely from his family. Some people I had a good reason to, others... I am not so sure about.
Now that you have a premise I can move on to the hardest point of this trip I have had to face... seeing and hanging out with my ex's cousin. I thought it would be ok... awkward at first, but great. Nope. It was hard. I spent the first night hanging out in ALMOST utter silence, which for me is.... well, lets just say it's quite possibly unprecedented. I didn't know how to relate to him. He is NOT family anymore. I can't just ask "Oh how's so and so.... etc...." It's not my business anymore, that's not my place. I had to wrestle with how I interact with this person who was so much a part of my life with my ex, but now that life is gone and I have a new life. Where does this person fit into that? What do I actually say? Do I ask how my ex is? Do I talk about what happened? What do I do? What do I say? I didn't know and we left it at that.
Later that night I finally realized I have not mourned the loss of being a part of that family. The role I had in their life is no longer mine. It wasn't until now that I realized how much that really affects my heart and how I see myself. I mean, not only did my ex leave me.... in a way his family did too and now I am faced with someone that is a part of a family that a part of me still longs to be a part of. I miss them. I want to know how they are doing, I long to hear their voices, hug them, cry with them, and be there with them through their lives. It breaks my heart to know that some of them are struggling and that I can't be there to bear through it with them, because I love them. It's hard. I know I can bring them before the Lord in prayer, but that is different from hugging them in the physical. I am struggling to see what God has for me through this and what His purpose is. I know it's for more healing, but what else? I know He will show me because: "He who is faithful will see me through it".
Amazingly, I trust that He will show me and lead me because He is a good Daddy, who loves me with all of His being. I don't doubt that anymore. I actually can't wait to see what He is going to show me through this. That's the gift He's given me through this trip, no more doubts. He's got it figured out and when I am ready He'll show me exactly what it is, I just gotta let Him do it and not get ahead of Him. :) Like a child I just gotta look up at Him and say "dada" and BOOM He opens the door, but if I keep pounding on the door He can't open it, because if He did I'd fall on my face. (part of Seth Dahl's message when I was at Bethel Church in Redding, CA)
So, I guess I have to look at this situation as a child and cry about it and ask Daddy what do I do, trusting that He has the answer to this impossible hurt and that HE WILL BRING ME THE JOY, WISDOM, MERCY, LOVE, GRACE, AND PEACE that I need. Because only HE can give me what I want, which is this: To see HIS face, all else is nothing compared to this.When I weigh this situation against that I know what the answer is: Love like He loves, whether I am in their family or not doesn't matter because love never stops and it NEVER gives up. So, if I still love them then I will never stop or give up. If I can't have that physical presence in their lives, than I can have spiritual presence through prayer. HA! He is SO GOOD!

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!